Main Character Energy

A theatrical simplification for what matters in life

This girl knows about main character energy.

“…they’re assuming they’re still some main character in your life. Which they are not.”

A friend said this to me recently and it immediately changed my perspective on the thing we were talking about. Why was I wasting time on this interaction or marinating on it so much? How dare they think they’re such a big part of my life still! How dare I let them be by continuing to think about and talk about them.

This isn’t a new idea, but surprise surprise, this cinematic version of it still felt like a revolution for me. Is that because I’m a dramatic little theatre kid so storytelling metaphors work wonders on me? Yes, yes it is. But considering how much all brains love storytelling, it might work for you too.

---

Sometimes I am not the main character

The story at the beginning also flipped the other way for me too.

They are not a main character in my life so I should move on from thinking so much about their interjection into it. But what that also meant was that I was not a main character in the story they were telling me. It wasn’t about me.

I don’t think this tendency to extrapolate meaning about myself from external situations is unique to me. We wonder why someone was rude to us. We wonder what an ex moving on means about us. We wonder what it says about us that a co-worker treats us poorly. I think these worries play a significant part in depression and anxiety.

We are not the main character in every story.

How other people act and what they do so rarely has anything to do with us. People act in accordance with their own internal world, they are totally absorbed in building their own lives, having their own experiences, and operating from their own past. Everyone is the lead in their own story. And most of the time, those stories have nothing to do with us.

So we can move on.

There are a million other stories being written at the same time. This world is the most chaotic play festival - millions of stages all at once, people running between stages to play bit parts, stages merging as main characters find each other. It’s nuts! It’s a skill to stay focused and grounded in your own piece (peace? ;)).

To me this means a few things:

• Everything that happens around me (or even “to me) is not actually about me.

• I need to be careful about how much energy I spend on stories that aren’t my own.

• I can’t write other people’s stories for them.

I have my own story where I am the main character; I don’t need to waste my time rehearsing my bit part in someone else’s.

When I am the main character

And then there’s my life. Where I absolutely am the main character. Always.

I am not only a main character, I am the lead. I am the protagonist! This is my stage! I get the final bow at the end! There can other main characters, but there is only one lead.

As the protagonist…

• I have choice and agency. This is my story.

• I may not be able to control other people’s actions or everything that happens, but I can control how it all affects me. I control my reactions and my reactions are the whole story.

• The world is in my corner! The audience wants me to win.

What kind of story am I writing?

In my own life, not only am I the lead, I’m the writer. This is a low budget production! I decide what has weight. I decide what is a chapter vs a footnote. I decide what gets edited out of the final draft because it’s so inconsequential to the whole that we don’t even have to mention it.

There aren’t shoulds or needing to ask other people what is right. In my story, I decide. My feelings are valid. My needs are not only important, they are the most important.

I only get this story. Everyone gets one. This is mine.

An aside

Obviously there’s a balance here so we don’t all become self involved assholes, but to be honest, I think most people, especially people who are reading this, are more at risk of not giving themselves enough weight than becoming a narcissist. It’s okay to be a little self involved. We can’t expect anyone else to make us their number one focus, they have their own story to write - we are the only one who can make us #1. Be a little selfish. Be obsessed with yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.

Casting

In addition to the lead and the writer, I am ALSO the casting director. Low budget and I like control! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

People aren’t main characters in my life because they decide they are; they are main characters in my life if I decide they are.

There aren’t any predetermined rules about casting. Family members don’t have to be main characters just because they are family. God or a spiritual leader doesn’t have to be a main character just because they are for someone else. I make the rules. My values inform my casting. I value creativity and kindness. I value honesty, humor, and vulnerability. I value adventure. I value my peace. Those things determine who gets cast in my life.

And I take care of my main characters. The people I choose to cast in my story deserve flowers at curtain call. They deserve union breaks and good craft services. They deserve agency and plenty of room to adlib and improve the story. When we are intentional about who we cast, we should treat our cast well. And we can’t forget that they’re also the leads in their own story. I have to be good supporting cast for them too.

There are people in my life who I specifically do not want as main characters. They came in to audition and were rude. They tried to rewrite my story with some gaslighting and manipulation. Those people don’t deserve my energy. My energy is limited - I have a whole story to write! My story is being written on a train that doesn’t stop for villains or bit parts that want to derail it.

NPCs

Something, maybe tangential, that I’ve really leaned into lately is pretending some people are NPCs - just set dressing added to make the world more interesting. I do realize this is incredibly self involved, but it also makes me laugh daily so I kind of don’t care. Crazy dude who comments on my girlish figure when I walk past him on the subway platform? Just an NPC doing his NPC thing.

Seasons

This life is not just a one act play or a single season. It’s here for the long haul. (which means there will inevitably be that season that just doesn’t make sense - like the Landry-killed-someone season of Friday Night Lights or the Olivia-is-abducted season of Scandal.)

Going through seasons also means the cast changes. And that’s okay. People retire and move on. People get written out for being boring or to deal with a change in their own life. New people audition and blow us away. We find hidden talent on the street. We totally lose touch with people we shared every night in the green room with. We haven’t even met all of the people who will play big roles in our stories.

Another another aside

DID YOU KNOW the longest running TV show was Guiding Light with 72 seasons? In this list of the 24 longest shows, most of them are soap operas or comedy specials. Sounds right. Also, has anyone watched Coronation Street??

Daily storytelling

This main character thing hasn’t just been a heady musing, it has become a practical tool in the way I operate in the world lately.

When I’m ruminating on or struggling with something, I ask myself about the characters in the story…

Am I really the main character in this story? Or if this someone else’s story that I’m making about me? Can I just let this go?

Am I trying to write someone else’s story for them?

Who’s story is this part of? Is it mine?

What story am I writing about myself right now? Who is the main character?

Am I functioning as the lead in my own life? Am I embracing main character energy?

Am I letting someone else write my story? Am I playing a victim instead of the hero?

Is the person I am dealing with or ruminating on right now a main character in my story? Do I want them to be? Do they align with my values? Do they make my story better?

Do I want to write chapters in my own story about this? Or is it a footnote? Is it something that’s even edited out of the final draft because it’s so inconsequential to the whole?

I told my Dad about this and he said a friend of his from a long time ago used to interrupt people who were telling stories and ask them, “Are you the star of this story? If you’re not the star, I don’t need to hear it.”

A note about the bit parts

All stories have bit parts; they give a world depth and interest. I am not unaccustomed to being a background character. Please see the years I spent in college trying to be an actor. I was always committed to these roles, convinced I was making the imaginary world more real and more rich with the extensive back story I packed behind the one line I spoke or “peas and carrots” I mouthed.

I like being a character in other people’s stories. I like having lots of characters in mine. I write chapters about strangers, ones that show up with vulnerability and goodness, ones who share their heart. A lot of bit parts are played on barstools with strangers that also become bit parts in my story.

I want to be an excellent smaller character in all of the lives of the people I meet. I want to make their stories better. I want a sentence in their stories. And if that’s all I get, I want it to be good. I want it to be kind. I want it to be something that made the rest of the story better.

That changes how I show up everywhere. Because everyone is someone writing their own story. If I want to be a part of it, how do I want to be written?

---