How to Survive (Enjoy?) What's Coming
Boundaries, Self Care, Joy, and other buzz words I hate to love
I am not committing to writing weekly on Substack again even though here I am writing a week after I returned. I got very overwhelmed by my own self imposed expectations for this space and that made it not fun anymore. I’m not here to make money (if I was, I’d really be failing) I’m here to do something I love (write) and share it with you (hi). So I’m remembering those things and not subscribing to Substack growth rules of engagement and I’ll see you when I see you and hopefully that means when I see you, I will have something to say instead of homework I feel like I have to do.
Anyway. I have something to say.
And it felt particularly relevant as we start to swim in the holidays and the cold and dark season.
Boundaries, dating at 36, and, uh… ADHD
I learned something new about boundaries recently from my coach/therapist that actually radically changed my perspective. Very few things are light switch moments for me; I usually take a long arduous two steps forward, one step back rollercoaster of a route to any kind of realization or change. But this one just worked.
I’m going to warn you. The below is an unedited foray through my brain to get to the actual point. It’s kind of unnecessary backstory, but I left it in because I think it’s interesting how other people’s brains work and maybe you do too, but if you want to skip to the point, you can and I won’t even be mad, just skip the whole purple indented part. Okay. Enough disclaimers. Who am I? Am I even a writer anymore?
I’ve been having a hard time getting back into dating. Opening up Hinge literally makes me nauseous. I am that shitty person ghosting conversations left and right. I get the ick way too quick. Imagining going on dates and getting to know someone new immediately puts my remote in my hand, Survivor on my TV, and my entire body under the coziest blanket I can find. (which is a little weird because I love meeting new people and getting to know them and hearing their stories - talking to strangers is one of my favorite hobbies. (OR maybe it’s not so weird because getting to know people in this specific context means probably getting attached to them and being cheated on or left and being in despair for a year. (I digress. (And over parenthesize.))))
But several parts of me really want a partnership, a person to come home to, a person to build a life with. Part of the reason I sometimes pause in building a life I love is because I’m waiting for someone to build it with.
So my coach and I were talking about how to overcome my extreme aversion to dating right now.
And I went on a bit of a tangent like I am right now
And I mentioned that one of my many aversions is that I am worried about how the women will see me. A couple of years ago, I opened up my dating preferences to include all genders. I have always been attracted to women physically, intellectually, emotionally, but I’m not sure I’m interested in sex with a woman which is why I’ve called myself straight for so long and only dated men. I don’t know if the sexual aversion is programming or unfamiliarity or actual preference. But I’m curious.
But what if I go on a date with a woman and I realize I don’t want to have sex with women. Doesn’t that mean I have let her down? Led her on?
(I do realize, later, that this is kind of silly in general because it’s not like I want to have sex with every man I go on a date with either. There are plenty of men I don’t want to have sex with (most). The question is about each person, not about the whole concept of gender on every date.)
This has gotten off track (but this is actually exactly how my brain works and also how many of my therapy sessions meander).
THE POINT IS…
My therapist said
A boundary can be a line between you and another person.
You exist entirely on your side of the line.
Anything that happens on the other side of the line doesn’t have to affect you. It is just information.
In the above context that means, I come in with my own expectations for a date. The other person comes in with their expectations. Those expectations do not affect me. They do not have to change what is happening on my side of the line They are just information and I can decide what to do with it. Plus, it’s helpful information, because I learn more about that person from learning what they want/expect/what’s happening on their side of the line.
I took this a little bit further…
I also don’t need all of the information over there.
I am very close friends with a recent ex-boyfriend. When he started dating, I was constantly marinating on what he was doing, who he was doing it with, how it compared to our relationship, what he was feeling, and trying to figure out what it all meant.
I don’t need that information. It is on the other side of the line. It has nothing to do with me. This stupid sentence actually changed my ability to just be his friend, something I have struggled with for the last year.
I don’t need to figure out what’s going on over there. I don’t need all of the information. I am not smarter than him about him (even if I am jk jk). He gives me the information and that’s it.
And, as hard as this is for me (very hard), that’s actually true of everyone. I can ask questions and be curious and take in verbal and non-verbal cues, but I don’t need to figure out what people aren’t telling me.
I’ve been stamping this line between myself and other people left and right in the month.
Someone is irritated at work… that’s on their side of the line. I don’t have to worry if I did something to irritate them. They can tell me if that’s true. I can even ask if I want to, but I don’t guess. I also don’t have to let their irritation rub off on me. It’s just information.
A friend is struggling with something. This one is tricker for me and my line is definitely a little wavier. Maybe it’s even dotted. But I am useless to that friend if I step into oncoming traffic on their side of the line. They need me on my side to empathize without losing myself. To hold them without crumbling.
The dotted line is something I wish I’d had with my parents as a kid sometimes. I wanted to be able to come to my mom with my broken heart on my side of the line and for her to reach her hands through the gaps and hold me, but not to be consumed by the things I was feeling. A hard thing for a mom with big feelings and so much love for me. It’s an adult realization, not a kid one, but I know that one of the things kids need most from their parents is perhaps a dotted line - the ability to say I hear you, I’m with you, but your feelings don’t scare or overwhelm me.
I imagine this line will come into play when I go to visit my family for the holidays. Mostly because this line has never existed there. “We are family! There’s not supposed to be lines!”
But lines can still be love. Lines are love.
Joy is Good.
Election week was a great week for me. I was with my friends on vacation. I was having one of the best times of my life with some of my favorite people.
And I felt bad about it. I felt like I needed to a caveat to every Instagram post celebrating my friends that week with yes, I am still upset about the results of the election.
And I am. I am upset and scared. There are so many things in the world that are truly horrendous right now. Genocide and wars and a whole list I just can’t write right now.
But for many other reasons in my life including my friends and my phone calls with my family and being good at my job and my silly little dog wrapped around himself on my arm and sweater weather and kids’ laughter and the thrill of new places and holiday lights and the smell of something tasty cooking and the sky full of stars and all of the beautiful things people are making and the communities people are creating and the goddamn sun coming out from behind a cloud while I’m typing this.
Joy is good.
We can’t pour from an empty cup and all that.
Joy may be privilege, but it’s an important one. Despair doesn’t leave energy for action and care.
Finding joy in all of the places it exists is the only way to build hope and building hope is the only way we are going to be able to fight and resist.
And people are going to need us.
It’s okay to feel joy. It’s okay to go in search of it. It’s okay to celebrate it. You’re allowed. No caveats.
Oh gosh, all of the mental caveats.
No caveats.
Self Care
Ugh, another buzz word. Please continue…
I just finished training for the Crisis Text Line. Something that shows up in the any mental health course or training is taking care of yourself.
They always mention the 8 areas of self care.
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual
Environmental
Intellectual
Social
Financial
My mental health first aid course even gave us a template to fill out for ourselves. That template was open on my desktop for three months before I touched it. I wanted to do it. Logically, I realized in my little brain that doing it would be useful and would probably not even take that long. And still, I didn’t.
If you’d like to work through making a self care or even a crisis plan with someone else to help you or even just for a source of accountability, message me. We can find out what items fill your cup in each of the 8 categories, identify triggers or warning signs that you need some extra self care, and make a plan for regular and emergency self care. I’m open to setting up a few group or individual sessions; no cost; it’s something I really would like to do.
With love, from my side of the line to yours,
Stephanie